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Jul 7, 2006
You have these instances in your life when you think you're the only person alive qualified to be "HUMAN" with actual human emotions and thoughts. You sit quietly on your laurels, feeling smug and begin contentedly brooding over your unique curse.
...then Fate, that unruly, wily old witch just turns around 360 and hits you with something so out of the ordinary, you feel like you've been whipped. HARD.
Take for example a guy you knew from way back then...one who you thought was a "dude", just messaged you and hinted at a date. Of course, being one of "dudes" yourself (or maybe dudette is a more appropriate term), you laugh your guts out and ask yourself what drug this guy possibly inhaled.
Then he tells you he's serious.
You rationalize it to some form of temporary insanity causing allergen he was probably exposed to. Until he shows up on your floor a day after.
-WHAM-
Everything spins. Suddenly everything seems twisted. Not frighteningly so, but odd in a comfortable, a little disconcerting kind of twistedness. I don't even know if I'm making sense. All I know is that everything is so confusing.
Questions start popping out of my head like wild mushrooms. Until I read his blog.
....I realize...he's human, more human than I could have possibly thought he was. Shame on me for mocking fate, for being so smug and for being inconsiderate by doubting his intentions.
And as a few days pass...a few errant doubts still linger, but with all that's passed, all that I've seen...the undeniable humanity I found in him, I'm hoping that he's real. I'm beginning to hope that wily Fate doesn't have another dirty trick up her sleeve.
The thought of it is almost as scary as not spinning at all.
"no melody can seem to soothe my mind. And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind" Posted at 09:44 am by the_cupcake
Apr 11, 2006
Wanna know something funny? It's waking up one day and finding that you're looking at a person you absolutely hated then differently because they've been slighted by one of your friends.
I think I've been in this predicament before. There was Edgar over Kakai before there was even Jason and Jenna. Now it's happening all over again. This is really making me curious. Heck if I wasn't so stunned, I'd be laughing my ass off.
Who'd have thought that I'm being kinder to Arce because I feel sorry for him, somehow wishing that Leslie didn't treat him like that. Sure, he was an epitome of assholism then, but he's also human, and when he showed me that video he made for Leslie...it made me realize that he was real, that he felt something real for Leslie and she was damned lucky that someone felt that way about her.
But she's in love, so I can't fault that either. What's difficult is that they're both my friends, but I feel sorry for the guy.
......
They asked me why I was being so quiet about it...I didn't really answer their question, but I felt that it would do absolutely nothing if I talked. It could either push Leslie into Franco's arms some more (making it easy for him to hide her in a cage like what he's so famous for). Or it will cause other people to call me a meddlesome, angry bitch. In which case, I'm not. Besides, what good will that do to my existence in the office? Absolutely nothing. So...I'll shut up, because it really isn't any of my business. All's fair in Love and War.
If I was in the same situation, I would want my friends to just shut up and let me learn my lessons in life too.
.......
On other news...I think I'm slowly finding that spark of why I wanted to be in this position in the first place. It's to help people, to make them happy that they're with us. It's not about the reports or just about the analysis, not about the high profile stuff that team leads do. It's about the team.
There is one wish in my heart. That when they look back on this, they realize that maybe my real job is not to antagonize them and to monitor them...it's about helping them get to places.
I've seriously been thinking of quitting my job and going to another company. After all the things that they've put me through...no...of all the things they're still putting me through, I still love the people I work with. I love them. I enjoy their company, and I'm not saying that I won't find the same atmosphere elsewhere...but my gut tells me that I should stick with Climate.
That and one great man. I've always thought he was wise, sometimes he didn't give into what I would've wanted, wasn't easily swayed by facts and charm, but I've always thought he knew better. I hope that his path for me leads somewhere good, somewhere else that's better than where I am now. Because that's where I want to be and I'll be damned if anyone beats me to it.
My gut is telling me that he wants me to rise above what I am now, a Team Lead. It's telling me that he wants me to do something better, be a true pioneer and reach a stage that will surpass expectations, but he's also saying that he'll help if I do it. He has this way of saying things without actually saying it.
Brilliant. So until it hits you in the face and you realize it, you won't get there. He's both responsible for helping you get there and letting you explore your own capacities. Absolutely brilliant. I want to learn that trait.
Don't worry A. Just sit tight, I'm just getting started.
Posted at 12:41 pm by the_cupcake
Apr 6, 2006
Okay...let's see...what have I done so far...
They promoted me to Team Lead back in July 2005. It's now been 9 months since then...what have I done? I think the Shark was right, I might want to consider where I want to go instead of insisting on running so fast without a reason.
So far, I've amassed 7 Divisions, 8 by next month. 6 of them are stable, and the other 2 are new. I now have 21 people under my care, 23 people by next month.
I guess I need to ask myself if what I'm doing is right...and what more I can do with my stay in the company...
*sighs* this is so difficult...
Posted at 06:42 pm by the_cupcake
Mar 9, 2006
Entry posted March 28th, 2006 @ 12:53 AM GMT
No one in the world would hurt more than the girl who received these messages:
"there's only one person i would turn you down for...and the only reason i would turn you down, is because i'd want you both at the same time :)"
"god, I bet she's great in bed...but I wouldn't dream of getting in a relationship with her...she's just not the type." Posted at 12:53 am by the_cupcake
Sep 9, 2004
Kevin called earlier.
In the background I can hear the sound of his keyboard typing. He said he was playing FF 11. I'm glad that he called me up, I'm happy to hear his voice. But somehow he sounded different. He sounded like he was bored and that talking to me was just a thing that he had to do. When I asked him why he sounded bored, he said that he really didn't know what to talk about. Did I? No I didn't know what we'd talk about. But that usually didn't happen before.
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.
Maybe this is what's happening.
I forgot to greet him this Saturday, Sept 4. that was his birthday. I apologized because I didn't know what else to say. I had completely forgotten.
He said that he's sorry he hasn't replied to the email, he'll probably answer it after a century, or when he remembers.
I told him I'd been mountain biking and that I took a tumble. He said if I landed on my butt, I did, and on my elbow. He asked if I had hurt myself. Yes, I did. He didn't even tell me that I should be careful. He didn't even make a fuss.
He used to before. He used to get mad because I'd hurt myself and wasn't careful. I thought it was sweet that he'd scold me gently because I wasn't as careful as I should be.
I miss that Kevin.
I miss the Kevin that spoke my name like out it was a caress. I miss the one who couldn't wait to talk to me, couldn't wait to hold me.
I know we agreed not to say goodbye, but earlier, it felt like goodbye was there in the air, hanging in between us. I told him goodnight and sweet dreams. I didn't call him baby, I didn't say I love you. I was waiting for him to tell me that, I wanted to see if he wanted to say those things. If he was going to say them.
He did. He said...
"goodnight baby...I love you."
Where does that put me? I know that if I bug him about it, we'll end up fighting again and I don't want that. I'll end up being hurt the most.
Why is it that I feel so vulnerable when it comes to him? Posted at 12:24 am by the_cupcake
Feb 23, 2004
I woke up at the wrong side of the bed today. Once again...another morning after a restless sleep. I jerked awake, I thought my cellphone was ringing...when I heard nothing, I fell back onto the bed with a heavy heart, I felt like lead was dumped on my chest, and no matter how much I diverted my thoughts, it couldn't get past you.
I keep wondering. My mind is so tired..I'm so tired. Exhausted of thinking about everything that went on..exhausted because no matter how much I fight it, there's always you. I keep seeing you in my mind. I keep hearing you calling my name. But you don't really. At least I don't think you do. Because if you did, you'd have emailed me, or wrote down a message, called or even just sent me a short sms.
There is nothing, not one word, not a single message.
Where are you? Who are you with? Do you even care?
these questions echo in my mind like the sounds of a distant alarm..it's always there, nagging my consciousness, drowning my subconscious.
I can feel my own breath...but I can't feel myself living.
how can you take it? How can you stand it?
I have but a thread of pride left inside me. I will not beg to be with you...if you tell me you don't want anymore of this. But I can't stand being in this limbo where I'm guessing if you care or not.
I feel sick to the pit of my stomach..whatever I eat tastes like wood, and everything else lacks luster.
I keep promising myself that this is the last thought I'll devote to you, but it's just so hard, I feel like I'm going to explode everytime I stop. I hate silence because it brings out all those doubts..all that pain back, dragging it back and lodging it in my memories.
I know I need to stop moving, need to stop working and need to rest but I can't..everytime I do, your memories catch up with me, and then there I am again, in the middle of Limbo.
I keep distracting myself...no one knows I'm grieving inside except for the entries I made here, but it's no use, I keep going back to myself and my thoughts just scare me, they frighten me.
I keep praying but nothing's helping. I feel like I'm drowning, I feel like I'm giving up, when I don't want to.
Will you do me a favor the next time we talk? Will you tell me what your decision is so I can go on with my life? If you tell me there is no more us...I will get back to my old self. My heart may be broken, but I'll go back to being myself again.
Posted at 02:45 pm by the_cupcake
Profile: Sepharix Seph M 22 in East Bumble****
(60 conquests) (Visits: 340)
Note: Kumusta ka? Mabuti...eto masaya...Mahal Kita...to the one in my dreams every night...the one that i see everytime i close my eyes...)
Posted at 03:48 am by the_cupcake
Feb 21, 2004
it's been too long and I'm lost without you...
what am I gonna do
Said I've been needing you, wanting you
Wondering if you're the same and who's been with you...
is your heart still mine...
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you...
--==Aaliyah==--
Posted at 02:27 pm by the_cupcake
Do you even think about me? Do you even wake up to the thought that maybe
I'm thinking about you too? I feel like I'm dead mimicking the living. I can't eat, I can
barely sleep...I don't know how I can even breath when I feel this pain just slowly killing
me. Do you even care? Do you feel this pain? I don't know. I don't think you do.
At least I hope you don't feel it too. At least you'll be spared of the agony. I feel bitter
and sad and utterly lonely. It's like someone just stabbed me over and over again
without me dying, without being spared the pain.
I don't know how to forget. I've prayed to anyone, everyone, every known deity
and I still can't forget. My mind won't let me. My heart won't let me. I got used to
waking up hearing the phone ring in the middle of the afternoon just to hear your
voice at the other end call me yours. I got used to you making me laugh at the silliest
things. I got used to having you soothe my pain, tell me to stop saying sorry for every
goddamned thing. I got used to your thoughts hugging me tightly in their embrace.
I drowned myself in thoughts of you, in your promises...in our dreams...
I tried so hard to forget..the days won't let me. Your memories won't let me.
Won't you help me...please... Posted at 08:55 am by the_cupcake
-NickServ- sepharix is GoToHell
-NickServ- Last seen time: Feb 20 02:15:26 2004 EST
-NickServ- Time registered: Jun 06 13:23:43 2003 EDT
-NickServ- Last quit message: Nice ass! You are always in my heart, my dreams, my soul....
when I close my eyes, I see you... and someday when I open my eyes, I will see you too.. =)
I love you my cupcake.. 4ever
============================================================
Then why do I hurt like hell? Why do I feel as if my emotions are choking me?
Why do I fucking hurt?
Posted at 08:37 am by the_cupcake
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